In an effort to organize my thoughts, I’ll break this down into three categories: updated thoughts about my mom’s condition, reflections from the job search, and other.
Updated thoughts about my mom’s condition
I don’t think it would be wise for me to cash out my 401k to pay off my mom’s medical debt. This might be different if she needed a life-saving surgery that the hospital refused to do without payment up front, but in this case the surgeries have already been done and she’s on the road to healing. The threat is the monthly expense of the debt and not necessarily the debt itself. Plus, it reminds me how on planes, they tell you that in the event the cabin depressurizes and oxygen masks drop, secure your own mask before assisting another person. Moreover, I don’t think my parents have the money to pay for my mom to have health insurance, so she’s still quite vulnerable from that perspective. If I cash out my 401k to pay the debt off and something else happens, I’m essentially broke and they’re still in debt. God forbid that would happen – and I don’t think it will – but it’s important to think about those sorts of things. It’s good to have a substantial cushion, but it’s a case where paying monthly is actually somewhat better than paying a lump sum, as it decreases the risk to your cushion.
I’m going to try to fudge some money from my Roth, but really my highest priority is finding employment. Once I’m employed and I move, I should have some money every month that I can send my parents, and I think that’s the best thing I could do right now. Again, I don’t think my parents want my money – would you want to need support from your own kids? – but they could use the help, and it’s not like they didn’t take on some of my student loans when I originally started college, so maybe I can convince them to take my money by claiming I’m simply paying them back. Haha. They’ve received a lot of support from other people, too, and it means a lot to see that.
I’m having to realize that I’m simply not in control. I can help people, but I can’t save anybody. It doesn’t work like that. In a strange way, it’s humbling that other people are helping my parents more than I am, but not because I don’t want to. For all the money I’ve given to other things, the one time my own family needs it I’m not in a great place to help. So…I just have to swallow my pride and accept that for what it is. I’ll have my chance to help in turn.
I also learned how much my parents owe for my mom’s operations. Quite frankly, it’s a lot lower than I expected, probably because I’ve read too many horror stories online, but it’s still nearly 3 times as much as I owed for student loans, so I’m going to guess the monthly cost is a lot. Ugh.
Reflections from the Job Search
The job search continues, and as always, it sucks. I know of at least one job I was passed over for because I didn’t meet their “required” experience, even though I met pretty much all of their “preferred” experience. They only received 6 applications, though, so I kind of hope they didn’t find what they were looking for, because they deserve not to. Everybody says, oh yeah, being a software developer is really great for getting into security!, until you realize that the HR gatekeepers who don’t know what they are dealing with are in charge of most hiring decisions and simply can’t comprehend that someone with 5+ years of experience with software development can probably ramp up on email server security in a hurry. Naw, let’s wait 6 months instead for the right candidate, because we insist on x years of experience with this product! Okay, I’m just being bitter….
So yeah. I haven’t applied to very many jobs, as there are only so many that really make sense, but I haven’t received any calls or emails for interviews yet. Sigh.
I’m not unhopeful, though. As many friends know, I was part of a Dream Group loosely connected to one of my main churches. This stopped for several years during the pandemic before fizzling back into existence this past year, which was exciting. (Some people would call that church “charismatic”, but I think people have a lot of presuppositions about what that means. Really, I’d just say that we believe that all the gifts of the Spirit are still in operation, and it’s really as simple as that. I’m not saying that dream interpretation is a gift of the Spirit, only…have you read the Bible?). Anyway, most people think dreams come exclusively from our own brains, something popularized by the field of psychology, which has been patently atheistic since its inception, but when you actually start to break dreams down based on context and the relative meaning of narrative and symbols to individuals and cultures, you start to find some pretty amazing messages.
I’ve probably had a dozen or two dreams about this career shift. One of my more recent dreams involved a scene where I had started a new job in this medieval village that featured several people from my second software job (a job which in the real world came out of nowhere, and just in time). There was something about receiving a book of lore, being tasked with finding this place, a swordsmith, and it was all deeply confusing, but in the end I made it to the right place.
For all the study I’ve done, I think I know a thing or two about ‘books of lore’ at this point. The other day I bought a book that wasn’t related to technology, and it was probably the first in two or three months.
Anyway, many of these dreams seem to be communicating the same things: this season is temporary, but it has a solid foundation. I can go back, but things will be much, much slower that way. All may be confusing, but all will fall into place. Don’t let fear get in the way of your communication with God. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid.
It’s hard, though.
Other
That other book that I bought was on social security, because I’ve never truly understood it. Having grown up in a relatively conservative household, the only thing the news ever said about it was that it wouldn’t be around in the future, but now I realize that’s kind of nonsense. The money for beneficiaries comes directly from those who are working and paying into it, but the trust funds meant to bolster this are under threat from a decreasing population, which means less being put into it (and something about market performance). Assuming that would continue forever was kind of silly, but it was all philosophical to begin with, but as long as people are working, social security will never be zero. I also used to think that divorce decreased how much you stood to earn, but that was mistaken, as divorce in this context is simply a matter of what you stand to claim, especially in the event your own earnings are less than spousal benefits you could claim through an ex-spouse’s profile. I think my terminology is off, but you get the point. But there’s a boatload of rules around all of it, far more than around retirement accounts it seems, and I thought I was pretty well-versed in the nuances of retirement accounts.
All of that to again say that social security is keeping my parents afloat. It was never meant to be a sole source of retirement income, but as something that is extremely difficult for anybody to take away from you, and something that is raised with inflation, I don’t know man, it sounds like a decent deal, and I don’t know why conservatives scorn it so much. But I’m still learning about it, too.
I had more thoughts, but they will probably rattle to the front of my mind another day.