“What this is really about is learning to be comfortable in your own shoes,” the pastor said across the desk.
These words would stick with me through the years. You see, early in my twenties, some of my greatest fears and anxieties collided in the same semester. It was a nightmare. There were too many forces at play. And there were really only two options for handling that: lose my mind, or figure out what in the hell was going on inside of me. I was an angry and self-righteous person, and I struggled to understand where I really fit in to the world, struggled to understand why I never seemed to identify with people or feel any true sense of self-worth. I had a pretty strong ego-shield that had kept me afloat for years, but you can’t outrun your insecurities.
It’s been almost a decade since those office conversations. I like to think that I’ve learned a lot and have gained some significant insight not just into how I think but into how others think as well. I wouldn’t push that latter claim too far, but I enjoy sharing about my life because I think it encourages others to look into theirs.
Mis-identity is very prevalent. It’s rare that I see someone going through what I went through, but there are some predictable ways that people behave under similar circumstances.
For example, people enjoy taking sides in order to establish their identity, to feel comfortable with themselves. You see this when people vehemently subscribe to sports teams, or political opinions, or product preferences. They can all be part of our identities, but they also make easy rafts to cling to in the ocean of our minds. You become defined not so much by the position itself as by the position as it stands in opposition to another team, or opinion, or product. These are easy examples, but this also happens with ways of life and is the whole source of the “culture wars”. It’s the belief that there is only one way to do this or that. One way to go through life, one way to make or spend money, one way to do church, etc. If only you can see your way of doing things as the only right way to do things, then you can rest easy, believing there is something good about you. But this fails the moment the symbol fails.
When we aren’t taking sides, we may be standing too strongly on our own ground. You see this with the claim, “That’s just who I am”. As opposed to external identity found in symbols, this sort of identity is internal. It requires no rhyme or reason and operates on the assumption that who we are is fixed and is somehow in-tune with nature or our “destiny”, if you will. This allows for a sense of independence but falls short because when you fail you must face the fact that who are you are isn’t enough, and all you can do is return to the greater question of your identity.
“Am I valuable?” This is the question at the heart of our identity seeking. But it’s a trick question. The fact that you are asking it means you are uncertain that the answer is yes.
I’ve heard for years that our true identity and our true value come from God. While I believe this is correct, it is also a very churchy answer and doesn’t really communicate any explanation for itself. I think it’s important to realize that having value to God is different from being able to climb a tough mountain, or deserving a promotion, or standing any chance with that really attractive girl. I think we conflate the two perspectives (intrinsic value vs. acquired value) because as human we go through life with associations, abilities, and achievements, which dramatically shape us and influence our lives. But we hold to this, struggling to see our value without it all. I believe this is why the wealthy and successful sometimes struggle more than the poor: they experience some great blessings in their lives, but they confuse this for the message of the blesser: you are valuable!
I’ve been thinking lately about what this looks like in practice. I think it helps to cultivate a perspective where you put less stock in both your successes and your failures. Both are teaching agents, but if you can laugh at both then you’re in a good position to see that they don’t scratch the surface of your greater identity. Secondly, when I feel pressured to be someone I’m not or to live a style of life I don’t want to live, I can refocus on what God has put in front of me, who he has made me to be, and on what my goals for the future look like.