Since writing the first two posts on this subject, I’ve actually been sleeping much better. I’ve started getting more tired earlier, and I have even taken a few naps in the evening, almost as if my body is catching back up with what it really needs. I suspect the stress had been building up for awhile, and I finally found some relief by pushing back at it. I think it’s too soon to say, “I’m fixed!” but it’s a welcome relief and, I think, an invitation to dive deeper into the solution.
Not all too long ago, I wrote about finding some sort of middle way between apathy and grind. I saw in my parents’ life how a complete surrender to the TV did them nothing good, while on the other hand noting that hustle bros completely miss the point of life. I think it’s worth reiterating that doing nothing is not necessarily the answer to anxiety, but I suspect that doing less or at least, expecting less may be a serious part of the equation. The primary driver, however, I believe is fear, and I think I’ve been ignoring this under the guise of “analysis”. Right? Because if you can analyze your situation and anticipate what can go wrong, you can avoid bad things, at least in theory. In reality, though, everything can go wrong, so if you think you can just analyze your risks away, you’re in for an uphill battle, because there is no way to eliminate the simple risks of living.
When I think back to the deep questions I had about my religion in high school and college, oddly enough, I think much of this was motivated by fear. It was not just a “I have questions” situation, it was a “weight of the universe, what is True?” situation, largely for fear of being wrong, of being stupid, of being misled. Am I safe? Is God real and does he love me? Born – sure – partly out of intellectual curiosity and frustration, but also born partly out of the struggle to understand why God had let me down in so many ways at that time in my life – at least that’s how I felt. If I couldn’t trust God relationally, how could I know he even existed? Was he out there? Or was it all just bullshit? And there were times no amount of music could fix the pains, no matter how small those might seem to me now, looking back. Oddly enough, I seem to have lost a lot of interest in music around that time. How interesting….
The fears in my life border on a weird sort of grandiosity and various slippery slopes. “If I’m not productive during the day, I won’t pass my tests, and if I don’t pass my tests and learn enough, then all this time was for nothing, and I won’t be able to find a job, and then I’ll be impoverished!” Ha! Well, that escalated quickly. But that’s kind of what’s going on in the back of my head.
I hate to over-psychologize things, but I suspect the presence of junk food in my life is a sort of insulating factor. It’s called “comfort food” for a reason. I remember how scared I was very early in the pandemic. It was two weeks before the lockdowns started in the US, but I was following the news, and the thing wasn’t stopping. I remember looking out the window and thinking, “My gosh, what’s going to happen? What’s going to happen?” And once it all hit, the worst of habits kicked in, ever so slowly. I haven’t gotten my weight down that far ever since. Ice cream became a staple, breakfast energy drinks became a daily. It’s embarrassing, but I don’t know what else to say. Of course, this was passed from one anxiety to the next, until where I’m at now, surrounded by a world full of productivity gurus who will tell you whole books’ worth of “advice” about how to fix the problems you didn’t even know you had (“oh, no! I am worthless in yet another way!”), and who will preach to you the message of Our Lord and Savior Hard Work, which promises to fix everything, if only you’ll bow down.
I vent my anger in this blog, not because I have a pessimistic outlook on life, but because I get tired of bowing down. I think it’s a good anger. Well…I think it can be a good anger. I probably go a little overboard sometimes.
It’s okay to do things. It’s okay to accomplish things. But if your life is nothing more than a compulsion to succeed, for no particular reason than that someone, somehow, put it into your head that this was the right way to live, it’s gone too far.
There’s tremendous prestige to be highly specialized – highly smart – because this is part of our cultural mythology. Americans love these bullshit stories about Joe Blow who strapped on a pair of skates at age 3 and went on to win the Stanley Cup 5 times, or whatever. They are cool stories, but unfortunately, we hold them up as ideals, and we judge ourselves by them. Time and time again, people try to do everything they can to connect their childhood to the way they want to be recognized, probably because we all want to be somebody, and how better to be somebody than to be highly specialized from a young age? But in the real world, that’s not most of us. Moreover, specialization fades quickly (except among professional sports, for which the demand remains fairly constant).
I signed up to receive prayer from a ministry team at my church last month, and all of this stuff came up during our time: the pressure, the embarrassment, the shame, all centered on a sense of failure, and driven in large part by the need to feel perfect. But one person praying for me said, “God doesn’t want you to be perfect, otherwise you wouldn’t need him”. This might seem very offensive at first, but it’s totally true. Culture tells us, “It’s all on you”, but is that what the Bible says? Poorly worded, much of the Bible seems to be saying, “You’re not perfect. Own up to it, get over yourself, and follow Him”.
As for my own productivity during this time off work, I feel pretty good about what I said before where it’s my time, it’s my money, and anybody who thinks I’m misusing either of these can go fuck themselves. The funny part is, my friends have actually been very supportive of me, and I don’t think anybody has actually thought this. However, in my imagination, somebody certainly could, and that’s risk enough. Lol. But my reaction is also not a terrible message, either. I honestly don’t have to care, so it’s an unfortunate bug in the human mind that makes it so hard not to.
I wonder, too, if some of the issues I have had with books have been born from fear. As in, “I feel stupid, I need to know more about X subject in order to be an acceptable human being. Therefore, I will buy books on X subject, and this will solve my problems”. But of course, what happens is the books just pile up as the anxiety builds. [I think I have overcome much of this, but it’s not completely gone]
I think, too, that curiosity for intellectual things often translates via YouTube, social media, etc. from what “is” to what you “should” do, where suddenly intellectual topics turn into self-help, because that tends to score more clicks. “Tell me what’s wrong with me! Then tell me how I can fix myself!” I learned long ago that HR advice videos (“do this in your job interviews!”) are pure cancer, not because people don’t mean well, but there’s nothing like sitting down to enjoy entertainment only to be yanked into your own sense of worthlessness, being told the million reasons you’re never going to get a job unless you escape the interview temple Indiana Jones style. “One wrong move and your life is fucked!” I don’t know, man, I’ve gotten jobs through Facebook friends, job site applications, and recruiters. I think maybe there’s actually a lot of hope for you and me, and maybe things aren’t so bad. But again, that doesn’t score clicks.
I think I’m coming to terms with things. Writing out my ideas helps. I suspect this will be the last in this “series” of posts, but who knows? If you are feeling the same way, if anxiety seems ever-present, know that you are not alone and that life does not have to be this way.