It’s a boring Sunday evening, and a voice at the back of my head tells me I should go to the gym. It tells me this because the more I go to the gym, the better prepared I will be physically for exploring the high country; more importantly, the more I go to the gym, the happier my lizard brain will be.
I hate going to the gym. Not because I despise physical activity, but because the gym sucks. You are not supposed to think this. It is of utmost importance among humans to go to the gym, to even like the gym, because this is what “healthy” people do; this is what “happy” people do. I want the people around me to think I am healthy; I want the people around me to think I am happy. When I go to the gym, the lizard brain is satisfied, for I have checked the checkbox, and saved face among my fellow humans. I am a Good person.
But I am not healthy, and I am not happy. Three days in a row this past week, I woke up with less than 5 hours of sleep and was unable to fall back asleep. My plans to go hiking, for two days in a row, were foiled, and though I prayed about this, and had one successful night with 7 hours of sleep, I blew it again with only 5 or so hours last night. My neck and back have been out of place, and my joints have been sore. My chiropractor was out of the office Friday, and all has been mild misery, a sad whimpering deep in my soul, as I struggle to figure out, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I get off my heartburn medication? Why can’t I lose weight? Why I can’t I stop eating ice cream? The lizard brain looks down upon me in judgement. I have not checked the checklist. Pathetic.
And I have a case against the Lizard: see all that I have accomplished! All the reading I have done, the lessons learned, the checkboxes checked! See me reseal the pan, and order the axle! But over time I have realized, the Lizard is never quite satisfied.
The Lizard is never quite satisfied.
You would think that a man with no job and lots of money would find it easy to rest, but no. The Lizard never sleeps.
I almost suspect that the busiest among us are simply addicted to the anxiety. When you can achieve, when you can overcome. And I’m not here to criticize achievement, but some are simply better at satisfying the Lizard than others, and how addicting that can be! Only, at the end of the day, you are still slave to it.
That’s what gets me. I could, in theory, do all of these things, and perhaps my ego would reward me. But at the end of day, I would still be ‘slave’. The moment I fail to reach the bar, I would convict myself, no matter whether I’m a child of God or not. The striving really does makes you a slave.
Something inside of me recoils at this. “But you don’t need your whole evening free, do you! You should be more productive!” And as for the gym, “But it’s good for you! It really can help you get in better shape!” But I think these are lies, not because either activity is bad, but because they are on the list. The obligation. The anxiety. The ‘should’. The unnecessary. The optional.
The Lizard does not accept this: everything is requisite. ‘Optional’ is required. ‘Unnecessary’ is a deception (always a must)! Rest is waste. Freedom is un-commitment. Unaccomplished is unhappy.
Waking up early and not being able to fall back asleep is usually a sign of severe stress. I suspect this has been a manifestation of what is going on deeper inside of me. My gastroenterologist mentioned that stress has a very clear affect on digestion, too. I wonder what sort of subconscious list I’ve been accumulating over the past many years; I’m fairly certain this has been part of the problem.
But I also suspect there is a spiritual component to all of this, too. How far do you have to be from your identity in Christ to think so poorly of yourself when you fail to tick off all of the social checkboxes? Yet whole industries exist to help you do just that, and self-help books continue to promise you the world, if only you’d try a little harder.
I have no idea where to go with all of this, except that I know there’s clearly a problem, and I have a few ideas about the solution.